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The Best Christmas Quotes of All Time
From Shirley Temple to the Grinch, these are some of T&C's favorite holiday sayings.

GETTYTOM MERTON
by LAUREN CHAN and LEAH SILVERMAN
DEC 4, 2017
730
1. "Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas . . . perhaps . . .means a little bit more!" – Theodor Seuss Geisel, How the Grinch Stole Christmas

2. "Love the giver more than the gift." – Brigham Young

3. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." – Shirley Temple



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4. "Christmas is not a date. It is a state of mind." – Mary Ellen Chase

5. "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." – Charles Dickens

6. "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." – Calvin Coolidge



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7. "My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?" – Bob Hope

8. "Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'." – Bing Crosby

9. “Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmastime.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder



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10. “Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.” – Charles M. Schulz



11. “Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.” – Helen Steiner Rice

12. “Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special day spent in the warm circle of family and friends.” – Margaret Thatcher


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13. "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." – Phyllis Diller

14. "I heard the bells on Christmas Day / Their old familiar carols play / And wild and sweet, the words repeat / Of peace on earth, good-will to men." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

15. "At Christmas, all roads lead home." – Marjorie Holmes



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16. "I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month." – Harlan Miller

17. "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." – Andy Rooney

18. "Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality." — Washington Irving



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19. "The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." — Burton Hills

20. "Christmas is the day that holds all time together." — Alexander Smith

21. "A good conscience is a continual Christmas." – Benjamin Franklin

22. "Christmas, my child, is love in action." – Dale Evans

23. "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." – Will Ferrell, Elf

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Quotes About Funny
Quotes tagged as "funny" (showing 1-30 of 3,000)
Suzanne Collins
“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
tags: boggs, finnick, funny, humour, hunger-games, katniss, mockingjay, odair, suzanne-collins, witty 9318 likes Like
Chris Rock
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock
tags: comedy, everyday-life, funny, humor, observational-comedy 9184 likes Like
Billy Sunday
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ
tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious 8828 likes Like
Phyllis Diller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller
tags: anger, funny, sleep 8159 likes Like
George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin
tags: funny, humanity, humor 7990 likes Like
John Green
“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: funny, humor 7224 likes Like
Ellen DeGeneres
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding
tags: funny 7117 likes Like
Mark Twain
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain
tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor 7052 likes Like
Marilyn Monroe
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe
tags: dirty, funny, logo, sex 6754 likes Like
John Green
“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: awesomeness, funny 6279 likes Like
Lemony Snicket
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
tags: funny 6228 likes Like
Cathy Guisewite
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guisewite
tags: eyes, funny, lemons 5076 likes Like
Albert Einstein
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Albert Einstein
tags: funny 5038 likes Like
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
― Anonymous
tags: churchill, funny, true 4854 likes Like
John Green
“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: funny 4157 likes Like
Jerry Seinfeld
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld
tags: books, funny 3919 likes Like
Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods 3710 likes Like
George Carlin
“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin
tags: america, dream, funny, humor, wealth 3412 likes Like
Golda Meir
“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir
tags: funny, golda, meir, true 3395 likes Like
Cassandra Clare
“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
tags: funny, humor 3130 likes Like
Suzanne Collins
“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire
tags: funny, humor, prank 3011 likes Like
Bill Cosby
“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby
tags: funny 3003 likes Like
Yogi Berra
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes
tags: funny 2992 likes Like
Shel Silverstein
“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!”
― Shel Silverstein
tags: children, funny, poem 2913 likes Like
Richelle Mead
“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
tags: funny, sweet 2894 likes Like
John Green
“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
tags: funny, humor, humour, internet, john-green, pedophile, pedophilia, tfios, the-fault-in-our-stars 2812 likes Like
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
tags: beatnik, cynical, funny, humour 2717 likes Like
Rick Riordan
“Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
― Rick Riordan
tags: annabeth-chase, athena, funny, humor, myth, mythology, olympians, percy-jackson, posiedon, the-lightning-thief, zeus 2507 likes Like
Rick Riordan
“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune
tags: funny, silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man 2492 likes Like
Rachel Caine
“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook

Good funny quotes: Good Quotes Tumble About Life for Girls on Friendship About Love For Instagram for Facebook